I was reading an entry from someone about their first "I Love You" from their boyfriend. And I started to think about my boyfriends and my first "I love you". We have been friends for about 4 or 5 years and I'll say it was only through a website called Gaia Online. We really didn't know each other and only rpged on a thread called Legendary Outlaws. That was the only way I really go to know him. Which really didn't bother me... I'm good at judge of character even if that person is like 5 million miles away. Anyway we hadn't taked much for a year or 2 because he entered the military. It was either 4, 5 or 6 months ago that I got on one day and pops a message box. He is asked how I'm doing and what not. answer blah blah blah. that's the first night of a us getting to talk to each other. over the next week we talk more, i get excited about every time i talk with him and i know i like him.
however... i want to run. i just got out of a relationship, the guy was being an asshole, i was hurting so much because i seriously thought i loved the guy and wanted to marry him. than on top of it all i was starting college, new friends, getting use to dorm life. blah blah blah. New life and i was scared out of my mind. I had also told myself that i would not have a relationship my freshman year... that if i liked anyone i'd build it up and see what happens. but for freshmen year... no boyfriend what so ever. (like that happened in the end)
so anyway, one night he tells me that he won't be on for awhile. i ask why? he tells me that he is going to go on a mission, a dangerous mission and isn't sure if he will make it through. i ask him if he doens't could he have a friend tell me. he agrees. than he tells me he wants to tell me something. i'm laying on bed thinking it will be a joke like normal. we are always joking or teasing each other. playfullness :D. anyway he types "I love you" and it appears on the screen and my brain just shuts down suddenly and he starts typing away and it disappears. i tell him to shut up for a moment and i scroll up and see the 3 words. i start bawling.
it's not because i'm just happy, it was mainly because i was scared out of my mind. i had just gotten out of a relationship and i didn't want another relationship like that. i wanted "the one" relationship. i didn't just want to say the words to say it back, even though i knew i had feelings for him, and i scared that he was only saying them because there was a possiblity that he was going to die. and that he just needed to say it to someone and he didn't really mean. I'm crying and still trying to decided whether i should say the words that i'm feeling or just tell him to come back alive.
i'm still laying there reading and rereading i love you and finally i just give in to myself. i tell him how i feel, i say i love you back. but i also tell him that i didn't want to make a relationship offical. i didn't want this because if i wanted to meet him before we made it offical. if i was never going to be able to meet him than i didn't want a relationship at all with him and i try to get over my feelings for him.
well, he got back from his mission saftely, went back to germany and than flew all the way to indiana to meet me. our first i love you in person was that night. i didn't want our first kiss to be infront of anyone, i  wanted it private and to ourselves. so on our way upstairs to bed, we stop at his room and looks at me and asks "Can i kiss you now." i get really nervous and learn against him shaking my head no. so scared out of my mind. he asked "please shay, i've been waiting so long and i haven't made a move at all because i know you wanted this to be private." i take a deep breath and finally i give in, i wanted to kiss him so badly and i was just being plain scared about it. i whispered i love you and than we kissed. i can't not explain that kiss and nor do i want to, that was our first kiss, that first sealed everything for me. i fell completely and utterly in love with him. we pulled apart and he replyied i love you too. and than we kisses again, longer.
than when we pulled apart i told him to go to bed. i knew he was tired, in the living room he was basicly falling asleep on me (it was adorable!). i can't tell you how i felt that night all i know is that i slept like i was on cloud nine. the next day we made our relationship offical. and i miss it but none of my friends did, they realize that jasper we lookin at our relationship as a possible marriage. i was more than overjoyed and when he actually said that to me the last night we were together. i was first shocked and scared, mainly because i was scared i would hurt him. than i was really happy i don't know if i ever showed that to him because it was more after he left my room that i was happy and couldn't stop smiling. we have been techically dating for 2 or 3 months now and i really couldn't be happier or love someone so deeply and soulfully than jasper. i want him always and forever.

     I find people... especially friends... to be rather the most annoying people in the world sometimes. To the point where I'd love to just drop them.

    Okies, so normally my friends are easily understood and they accept the friendship I offer. I have this friend... she... well she is a little screw to put it blankly. We will call her friend A Even though we have only been friends since... erm... july or something. We hit it off pretty well in the beginning. That was during orintation though. I should have known not to trust so easily but I did, she was nice and I felt like she would be a good friend.
    Well than college started. She lives in the dorm on campus and I live in the dorm off campus. This has put a strain on our friendship and the group friendship. We befriended 2 other people during orintation. One is a sophmore lives in the dorm off campus with me. This will be friend B. The other is creently switching from commuter to living on campus, the dorm that is on campus. This will be Friend C. With the separation it makes our friendship hard because we live in two different place. Friend B and I have gotten closer, basically because we are always around each other. And in all honestly we are not a fault.
    This friend, friend A, started dating one of my other friends who I've know since junior year in high school. He really is not the type of person that should be dating anyone. He cheats, masks himself, and is really never honest about anything. The only thing he wants is sex, that about everything. And in all honestly I blame myself for everything that has happened. I caved in and allowed this guy friend to come over to my dorm while friend A was with me. I had a gut feeling those two would get together and I knew it would be a bad thing. All well I still let him come over. Anyway by the time the guy left, friend A was smitten. And I was thinking, O SHIT! Once I saw them hug it was like I knew they were going to rush into it and I knew it was going to bomb. That was the starting of a ruthless friendship.
    She stayed up until 2am that night talking to him. After that she asked me personally what I thought she should do since... SINCE I knew the guy. So I told her, date him as in going out of dates before actually dating as in boyfriend girlfriend. She let that go on, one date within 4 days and they were an item. They even kissed that first time. 4 damn days. I'm sorry for those of you who started dating someone right off the back, but you can not really get to someone under pressure like that. That Friday they already went to 3 base basically. They have been together as in boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 days by than.
    After that our friendship and the group friendship all went down hill. The group has been on a rollercoaster to be friends with friend A ever since they started dating. This has been going on since the beginning of college in Auguest. Its ridculus and she continues to puh us away and we fight back. I don't know how may times she's told me that we shouldn't forgive her, or that she doesn't diserve the way we are treating her and all this bull. And I, being stupid, contiune to tell her it's all right. I continue to forgive her, even now when I'm hurt. This whole time I've been hurt by her and I still forgive her for everything that's been going on. Sometimes all I want to do is tell her that she is such a fake and that I don't want to be her friend.
    Gladly, my boyfriend calls me, and I don't feel like going on about this. Maybe later.